When you think of using a vibrator, what’s your first, honest reaction? Do you see it as a substitute for “real sex” — something you only use when you don’t have a real, life partner available? Is it something that’s purely for mastrubation?
If your (receiving) partner wants to use a vibrator during sex, do you think it’s because you’re doing something wrong? If your (giving) partner wants to use one on you does it make you feel anxious?
I hope not…or if that’s what your thoughts were, I’m glad it seems your feelings are change about sex toys and how they can be incorporated into a healthy sex life. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here! I’ve got a whole section on vibrators in The Cunnilinguist such is the pleasure my partner and I get from incorporating them (and other toys) into our sex life.
Whether you’ve never used a vibrator before, or you have a whole arsenal of sex toys at the ready, there is always more to learn!
Here are my 10 top tips for using a vibrator with a partner.
- Discuss it beforehand. Ok, it’s not romantic. But consent isn’t just sexy — it’s mandatory. Discuss using a vibrator (or any sex toy) with your partner before you actually try it. Ideally, discuss it outside the bedroom and not just moments before you whip out your Orgasmatron 6000 in the middle of a mattress romp. Your partner might be uncomfortable with the idea for many reasons. Or they may have a preferred type of vibrator they want to use. Similarly, this gives you a chance to express any reservations and preferences you might have. One important thing to make sure to discuss: whether you and your partner are OK with using a vibrator one of you already has, or if you should go pick one out together. Some partners are just fine with using vibrators that you’ve used with yourself or others (as long as they’ve been well cleaned!). Others are weirded out by the idea of not being the first and only users of a sex toy.
- Take it slow. Don’t just crank the vibrator up as high as it can go and dive for your partner’s clitoris. That’s no fun for anyone. Instead, be willing to start the vibrations slow and increase them over time as things heat up. Use slow and gentle strokes at first — high vibrations and intense pressure on a clitoris that’s not ready will result in pain, not pleasure. It can be fun — and educational — to let your partner use the vibe on themselves both so they can figure out what they like, and so you can learn how best to use the vibrator to enhance pleasure. If you’re both going to be on the receiving end of the vibrator, you can take turns exploring.
- Lube. Lube. Lube. Even if you’re not going to be using the vibrator internally, lube is your friend — and lots of it. Make sure you choose a lube that is safe for the material your vibrator is made of, and apply it liberally. A dry vibrator on dry skin is…not sexy. Lube helps the vibrator slide over the skin, which can really enhance pleasure. Even if your partner is already wet on their own, extra lube never goes amiss.
- Think beyond the genitals. Sure, use the vibrator on your partner’s labia, clitoris, vulva (or whatever genitals they have). But vibration can feel good elsewhere too. Try touching the vibe gently to the nipples, the inner thigh, the buttocks. If your partner is willing light vibration on the perineum — the area between the genitals and the anus — can be a delight. One caveat: Never use a vibrator that has been in, or near, the anus anywhere else unless you clean it thoroughly first. Anything else is a recipe for infection.
- Mind the clit. Too many people assume that just placing the vibrator on your partner’s clit and holding it there will lead to orgasmic fireworks. While some folks with clits like to use a vibrator that way, for others it’s more likely to be painful than pleasurable. Take your time in applying the vibrator to the clitoris. Sometimes just holding a vibrator above the clit and barely touching the hood is enough to bring on orgasm. Other clitorises like high vibration and light pressure, while still others prefer to have vibration and pressure applied to the sides or to the labia majora while they’re pressed tight over the clit itself. Experiment and allow your partner to be your guide.
- Don’t let the vibrator do all the work. A vibrator is an enhancement to your sexy time with your partner, not a substitute! While you’re using the vibrator, you can also use your fingers, tongue, hands…you name it. You can alternate between using the vibrator and your tongue on your partner’s labia or clit. You can pay attention to their nipples or other delicious bits with your hands and lips while the vibrator provides pleasurable sensation elsewhere.
- Clean up! Ok, I know I said this list had 6 tips, but you get a bonus tip because it’s so important: Clean your vibrator and any other sex toys well immediately after the afterglow has faded! Use a special cleaner designed for sex toys or soap and water as recommended by the manufacturer.
The added bonus of sex toy sex is that there’s zero-little extra effort when it comes to safe sex. Simply ensure your toys are well cleaned after every session as per the manufacturers instructions and always immediately discard a toy (for cleaning) if it has been near the anus. For safe oral sex you can also incorporate dental dams into your session. Believe it are not, these can even be a little kinky and fun!
