If you’ve ever received oral sex, you know it feels good — or at least it does for most people. You also know that it can be awkward to go there with a partner for the first time. Or maybe you’ve never received before, and aren’t sure how to act when the chance finally comes your way (pun intended).
Letting go is important — you can’t enjoy what’s happening in your body if you’re up in your head. But it’s also not as easy as telling yourself to let go or humming the song from Frozen. There are all sorts of reasons why you might feel nervous or tense at the prospect of someone giving you oral sex. Coming up are 5 techniques to help you lean back and enjoy the ride.
Okay, we maybe don’t want you to relax so much that you chill out and read a book while your partner goes down on you (or do we?!). However being relaxed and letting go will make a big difference to both of your experiences.
One note: Know yourself. If your nervousness about oral sex comes from simply not wanting to receive — whether because it is not something that feels good to you, because of past trauma, or because of deeply held religious beliefs — it’s within your rights to say no and hold to it. But if your nervousness is mixed with excitement — I really want to do this but I am nervous/scared apprehensive — then using these techniques can help.
- Keep it clean. One of the biggest reasons that people feel uncomfortable receiving oral sex is the fear that they will taste or smell bad. Negative cultural messages about the vagina sure don’t help here. You can help to ease your own mind by showering regularly, of course. But “in the moment,” if you feel nervous about your vagina’s smell or taste, taking a moment to go to the restroom, empty your bladder, and clean your bit well can help. You don’t need to douche or use fancy “feminine washes” — these can be irritating! Mild soap on the vulva (never in the vagina!) is enough. Disposable wipes in your purse can help you feel prepared.
- Get comfortable. Position matters during oral sex. Before your partner dives in, find a position that’s comfortable. Lift your hips on a pillow. Make sure that you don’t have squishy pillows or blankets near your head where they’ll suffocate you! If lying on your back isn’t comfortable, experiment with different positions. You’re not going to get off if all you can think about is that cramp in your hip or the numbness in your toes.
- Give yourself permission to giggle. Let’s face it. Sex can be funny, and oral sex especially can be a hoot. It tickles sometimes. There are….noises. Let yourself giggle. Communicate with your partner that you’re not laughing at them, and encourage them to embrace the silly things that happen too. Laughter is a great stress reliever in the first place, and being will to not be so very serious about sex makes it more fun and more pleasurable.
- Close your eyes. It’s a simple thing, but sometimes closing your eyes can make you feel less self-conscious. When we shut down stimulus to one of our senses, the others tend to intensify. So closing your eyes keeps you from focusing on what you can see and instead allows you to focus on what you are feeling. It also keeps your mind from wandering — which, as impossible as it sounds, does happen during sex, especially if we are nervous!
- Cover up — but only a little. This is kind of a last resort, but if you are feeling very self-conscious, hug a pillow or a blanket against your body. This can help you if you’re feeling too, well, exposed. Ideally you’ll be able to ditch the comfort item when you get more comfortable, but if you need it for a bit until you can unwind and relax, it’s totally fine to use a pillow, blanket, even a stray item of clothing.
If you’d like more comprehensive information to share with your partner please do check out my book, The Cunnilinguist: How To Give And Receive Great Oral Sex. Meanwhile, you might like this post.